Everything Happens for A Reason (Birthday and Father's Day Edition)

Today we celebrated my Jameson's 12th birthday. When I first held him in my arms those many years ago, I got a glimpse into our future together. My hopes and dreams were suddenly wrapped up in that tiny 7lb 11oz bundle. I felt a love like no other and knew this feeling would last forever. He has become everything I hoped for and more. He is sweet, sensitive, caring, and agreeable.  While you hope your kids will excel in all things, in the end I've learned its having a nice, "good-kid" that will take you the farthest. Jameson is by all accounts a good-kid. What's more, he is smart and responsible.  While not perfect, he is the perfect oldest child for our family, and a great example for his four younger siblings. While my other kids do their best to drive me to insanity, he does his best to help out and make my life easier. Although still a child in so many ways he has become almost a partner and takes it upon himself to help this family thrive.  His patience is exemplary and I wish it would rub off on me.  In the car the other day Cameron was doing his very best to get under everyone's skin.  He had taken Jameson's video gamer and was just being loud and annoying in every sense of the word. Jameson managed to tune it all out while I found myself thinking, "Can't you just elbow him or something to make him stop?" Although now 12, he still has an innocence about him which I would love to savor forever.  Now that I think about it, I can't remember him ever saying anything bad about anyone else. Granted he thinks his brother is annoying, recognizes his sisters can be bratty, from time to time someone might drive him crazy, but I honestly can't remember him ever saying he didn't like someone, not another child, not a teacher, not a hardheaded coach, no-one. He is optimistic and tends to see the good in the world around him.

The other day he walked in from his soccer playoff game with a big smile on his face. I asked him how the game went and he replied enthusiastically, "Great, it was awesome!" "Oh good, I'm so happy you guys won and will advance in the tournament." I cheered excitedly. "Oh,well no, we lost, but it was a really good game!" Trying to make some sense of this, I questioned, "You guys hung in there 'til the end? It was a really close game?" "No we got killed. I think it was like 8-0" he replied shrugging his shoulders.  "Oh I see, but at least you played really well, right?" I asked. "Not exactly. I was playing goalie when we let in the first half of the goals, but I played against some friends from school so it was fun seeing them. And someone brought Popsicles for us all after the game. And we still get to compete in the Loser bracket!" he said still smiling. What a great attitude to have, I thought. His team got clobbered, no chance left of winning the tournament, he let in four goals- yet it was a great game-I think I would be crying. Then the other day on the way to Hershey Park for a little family vacation to celebrate the end of school among other things, I had him check the weather so I'd know what to expect for the day ahead. He pulled up the hourly forecast on his i-touch and said, "Oh wow, the forecast looks great- really nice!" I had him hand me the ipod and as I scrolled down I saw clouds, lightening bolts and rain drops all the way down the screen. I said, "You think this is a good forecast?" And he replies, "Yeah, did you see that temp? 74 degrees is like perfect in the rain!" I hope he always maintains his positive view of the world, keeps his innocence, knows how much we appreciate him, always feels how much he is loved and shares his kindness with the world.

On this day, twelve years ago, Jim also got to enjoy his first Father's Day and celebrate a role he was always destined to play. Although he warned me his experience with babies was almost non-existant before our first child's birth, he was a natural from the first moment he held our little boy. I grew up around babies, babysat my entire life, yet I was so scared and timid changing my own baby's tiny diapers and giving that first bath. Somehow Jim knew just what to do and took control and kept the baby and me content. He was cool and calm, never got frustrated and was just so happy and at ease being a dad.  He was an equal partner from those first nights in the hospital, keeping me company through the middle of the night feedings, and waking up almost hourly to change diapers and swaddle even when he went back to work.  I knew we were in this together and I had found not only an amazing husband but the best father for my children

We were a family, and Jameson was literally our gift from God. Although he doesn't know this yet, his existence came as a surprise to both of us. We were young, unprepared, ambitious and busy making plans for the start of our careers. It was a confusing time but somehow Jim and I both knew becoming parents would be our greatest blessing.  As I recently sat in my Oncologist office and listened as he rattled off the possible side effects from the chemotherapy regiment I was on, everything from nausea, numbness, mouth-sores, to joint pain, the one that resonated with me was "infertility". I thought back to the day I found I was pregnant with Jameson, the range of emotions, the surprise, wondering why now, thinking of everything I would have to give up that I had worked so hard for, wishing I had just a little more time to get things in order, to the realization that everything happens for a reason and this was God's plan for me.  It took until now to understand what perhaps that reason might have been. Perhaps God knew I always wanted a big family, saw me playing with dolls until I was in middle school, knew how I loved babies and working with children, knew I longed to surround myself in love and laughter, knew I thrived in the chaotic, heard my thoughts and dreams about my life as a mother. But perhaps He also knew I had a bump on the horizon, the makings for cancer to come, and knew symptoms would start appearing at 32, knew that chemotherapy might well  destroy my fertility by 34. Perhaps He wanted to give me that chance for the large family I always wanted and hoped for. Everything happens for a reason, perhaps that is why God gave me the opportunity to start my family young, and allowed me to have Jameson when I did, changing and blessing our lives forever.  We wouldn't have wanted it any other way and have always been thankful for the ways things worked out, but even more so now.

I believe somewhere in my heart that this diagnosis happened for a reason as well.  Perhaps it was to better recognize and appreciate the love around me. Perhaps it was to inspire me to better help others. Maybe it was to feel the good in the world and share it with others. Or perhaps there is another meaning, a greater one I won't recognize for sometime to come...